Holiday family gatherings come in all different types of jumbles and juxtapositions. Some people have the whole mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt and uncle thing. Some families may just be comprised of your step-dad and your mom. Some may just be you and that kid you adopted last fall.

Whatever the dynamics of your family, I think it’s safe to say that at least one of your family members will fall into one of the following categories. And, hey, that’s why you love them, right?

1. The Uncle Who Drinks Himself Into Holiday Bliss
Now, keep in mind that the holidays are basically the equivalent of the family drinking olympics, so, you have to be a bit lenient on your 40-something year old, serially single, whiskey guzzling uncle. He’s just trying to do what he does best. And, what he does best just happens to be washing down Christmas ham with enough Brandy Alexanders to mess up five or six of his New Year’s resolutions.

Even drunky gets a free pass during the holidays, though, because it’s the holidays and you guys would much rather have him drinking with you than at some local bar, hitting on girls who ride Harleys, even if he is peeing in the potted plant in the corner.

2. Your Compulsively Texting Teenage Cousin
You knew her when she was in diapers! You used to baby sit her and color Teddy bear pictures! She loved when you took her to the park. Now, she only wants to be hitting up them Tweets and texing her best friend Suzarino about how lame her family is. Don’t worry, she’ll think you’re cool again when she’s a freshman in college and realizes that you’re the only one in the family left who has any sort of idea what’s going on in pop culture.

3. Your Grandmother Who Still Thinks You’re 12
Sure, you graduate high school about seven years ago. You’ve hiked in the Andes. You’ve taken a trip to Spain. You’ve completed a thesis on the evolution of fruit flies if held within a jar of mayonaisse for 13 hours. None of this matters to your Nana, however. She’s still going to get you a Barbie doll and ask you if you have started talking to any cute boys lately.

4. Your Annoying Sibling Who Just Completed His or Her First Political Science Class in College
One of the most annoying things about college freshman is how douchey they turn out to be after their first semester. Now, this can be on a variety of levels. Maybe they rushed a frat or sorority and are already getting into awful pack behavior. Maybe they just discovered “beer pong” and assume no one has ever heard of it before. But, by far, the worst affliction a college freshman can come home to the holidays with after their first semester is political science-itis.

Yes, America bombed Peru or some shit. Yes, Noam Chomsky is god. Yes, we spend too much money on military. Blah blah blah. It’s enough that you actually want to get your little cousin’s number so you can text her about it.

5. The Young Child You’ll Spend Most of Your Time With
After wading your way through the sea of family that is either drunk, not talking to you or spouting incoherent jibberish, you will be left with your best option. That’s right, the toddler of some family member who is going to end up being your best friend for the duration of the evening.

Don’t knock ‘em. Kids are bound to have some cool new toys from Xmas morning. Hopefully one of them is a new Wii game that they’ll no doubt want you to play with them. They are going to say more funny stuff than you re senile Depends wearing grandpa (and won’t smell as badly). Hell, let’s face it, the holidays are really about spending time with family, it might as well be the next generation.

Happy Holidays to everyone!


- - - 7/DEC/2011 (GW) - - -

As a 13-year-old, you can't put much credence in how the music you're listening at the time is going to affect you down the road. You just enjoy it. You enjoy that your friends enjoy it. You enjoy that you can collectively get excited for a band’s upcoming record release, or go to a concert to hear music that you’re all going to be able to use as a way to recall that specific memory years later.

Equally as amazing as how a specific song can connect you to a certain time, is how a song you never gave any sort of attention to can connect someone else to their own specific memory.
I’m sure there are bands I have never even heard who can take a friend of mine away to a comfortable spot. There are songs I actually hated that I know someone else could possibly tie to the loss of a good friend, or the death of a loved one, or even the happiest day of their childhood. I guess that is the specific reason we’re listening to the music we’re listening to now without even realizing it.

Its because those YouTube videos we’re sharing with each other on our Facebook walls, and those songs we’re connecting with over Spotify are the ones that are becoming the tapestry to which we are able to visit the present day ten years from now.

But, don’t think about it. Don’t put any effort into it. Don’t try and choose a musical memory, because you can’t force it. They are going to be there whether you like it or not.

For me, personally, I know I’ll be looking back on the end of Summer 2011, one day when I’m old and gray, listening to “Nurses” or “Foster the People” on whatever newfangled device they have out then. And they are going to be good memories. They are going to be good times.

So, for now, open your ears like a time capsule.

Open your mind like a talking Polaroid.


- - - 27/OCT/2011 (GW) - - -

We’d drink a lot of soda and possibly crank call random phone numbers from the Yellow Pages.

Us: “Hello sir, it came to our attention that your last name is Weiner. Can we speak to your daughter Ivana?”

Them: *Click.*

Us: “Well, that didn’t exactly go as planned.” (This coming from the guy whose last name is Wacker, I know, I know.)

I do feel a bit special knowing that the kids of today will never truly know the satisfaction that comes from prank calling numbers without worrying about caller ID. When caller ID became pretty widespread in the mid-1990s a little bit of my childhood died as well.

I think girls had much better slumber parties. At least, that’s what I daydreamed about. I mean, girls always ended up choreographing surprisingly difficult audienceless dance routines while simultaneously using hair brushes as microphones. They could single handedly ruin another non-friend girl’s reputation for the entire school year by drumming up some gossip in the matter of only a few hours. Then they’d spread it in one of those Mean Girl’s burn books.

(Side note: How many burn books were created by high school girls immediately following the release of that movie? Because it has to be like one bazillion.)

In fact, in my mind, all girls’ slumber parties end up turning into some sort of Saved By The Bell episode in my head where Kelly Kapowski is dancing in her skivvies, Lisa Turtle is shopping online and Jesse Spano is overdosing on caffeine pills.

I’m not sure exactly what went on during these secret rituals, but part of me wonders if these events were the seminal moments in girls’ lives where they went from being super sweet little girls to diabolical, crafty, manipulating power women! (This is like 60-70 percent a good thing depending on how you look at it.)

Needless to say, those parties seem a lot more interesting than anything teenage boys could put together. And, in the spirit of Saved by the Bell, Mean Girls and my childhood imagination, Lehigh Valley with Love is throwing its very own LVwithLOVE Slumber Party for Charity to be held October 15 at the Sam Adams Grille within the Holiday Inn at Route 100 and 78 in Fogelsville.

So, the idea’s cool, right? But, I don’t think you exactly want to attend a slumber party that is going to consist of me sitting in my boxer shorts trying to track you down with a red turtle on Super Mario Cart.

Knowing that I had no clue what I was doing, I enlisted the help of some ladies I know who have extensive knowledge about slumber parties and hurriedly took down copious notes that resulted in the following: Spin the Bottle, Ouija Board, MASH, Cootie Catchers, Awful Makeovers, Never Have I Ever, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Horror Movies in the Lounge, and so much more that I may have to change robes halfway through the night.

Oh, the best thing, all of the proceeds from the event are going to the local Relay For Life Team Bee L Eve. So, RSVP already and await the details of our shuttle bus leaving from the Hyatt on New Street in Bethlehem.


- - - 29/SEP/2011 (GW) - - -